The Rules of War

(In honor of this blog being read in Russia for the first time, I dedicate this post to the masters of the slash and burn technique. Froze a certain Nazi douchebag right in his tracks during World War II)

I feel like wars can be over in like, three seconds nowadays. Which really leads to the question of why the hell American troops have been in Iraq for like, twenty years now, but that's another post for another day. Warfare used to be more civilized right?

There's something about standing in lines and just shooting at each other that seems more fair doesn't it?

Couldn't wars be won based on things other than weaponry and money? It could save a lot of money and blood.

So let's put aside all of the jets and WMD's and just make up five new rules of engagement for warfare in today's society.

1. World leaders should be involved in slap fights. Wouldn't all Americans love to see Barack Obama lay the smack down on Muammar Quaddafi?

Oh wait, that can't happen anymore.

What about Kim Jong-Il? Oh.

Too soon?

2. Has anyone seen You Don't Mess With the Zohan? All dissension that's been going on for more than twenty years needs to be decided with a hacky sack. It's so democratic it hurts.

3. Beauty contests should decide all land disputes. Sorry residents of Uglystan.

4. All guns should be replaced with wiffleball bats. Youtube would crash with the amount of videos being posted. And people everywhere would care about wars, especially if it meant seeing others get nailed in the genitals with a yellow stick.

5. The first country that can successfully sing "We Are The Champions" in its entirety wins. No disputes. Bonus points awarded for dressing like Freddie Mercury. I'm talking to you here you here of Norway.

Also, you can't win anything just because you say "I win." The global climate should not be decided by an argument that any three year-old can make.

Though when you think about it, are politicians any better than toddlers?

Thoughts?