A lot of people fear the SATs, or LSATs. Others fear AP tests or exit exams from college.
I have always feared another, much more important test; meeting a significant others parents.
I've never really had too much difficulty with these meetings, but they do always send shivers down my spine, because hey, who in their right mind is really comfortable with the idea of someone romancing their offspring?
However, I would like to share a fun experience with you, the reader.
I was 17, ages ago, and had begun to date a girl named Michelle. She wasn't the best looking of females, but I was young and I really just wanted to get my first kiss over with (Yes, the Haastile One was a late bloomer, shut up).
Now let me sum myself up briefly. I'm 6'1", and athletically built and have blond hair and blue eyes. Joking friends used to call me the Aryan Warrior.
Anyway, Michelle failed to mention that two of her father's childhood years were spent in a concentration camp during World War II.
So I ended up walking into a man who took one look at me, and started screaming that I was unfit to date, simply because of the way I look.
I'd consider it profiling, but that would be unfair to people who have actually been profiled.
Long story short, the romance lasted for roughly another week before things ended. Badly. She ended up going to prom three weeks later with one of my best friends.
Back to my point though.
That first meeting can be crucial to the way that parents think about you. But it doesn't need to be a soul crushing experience. Most parents are pretty nice, and realize that the situation is nerve wracking. As I've said, it can't be easy for them either.
However, to diffuse the situation, just show up with a Mel-lynn (and anyone who gets that joke is very smart indeed). A Mel-lynn is the perfect gift for any parent. It'll be loved by everyone.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
An Essential Skill
While I was bumming around the house today, a question suddenly appeared in my head.
"What is one essential skill that every man should have?"
Some would say the ability to sew. Others (probably all female) would probably demand that this fictional man have the ability to service a woman orally.
Personally, I can do both, so I ain't worrying.
Back to the task at hand, and the answer was right in front of me, literally.
I looked down to realize that I was chopping an onion in order to facilitate the making of a Philly cheesesteak (Postscript: It was delicious).
At that moment, it hit me. Every man should be able to cook a real meal.
I'm not talking about grilling either, as most of my friends will tell me that they can "cook" because they can slap a piece of meat on a searing hot surface and burn it to perfection.
Anyone can do that.
And anyone can microwave some pizza rolls.
No, I'm talking about going to the store, buying the raw ingredients, and preparing a real, home cooked meal.
This my friends (and I'm talking to 99% of my college comrades here) will necessitate more than one pot or pan more than likely.
So pay attention here guys, I'm gonna give you a real easy meal, and hopefully, you won't end up burning the house down.
Go to the store and purchase the following:
-one box of whatever your favorite pasta happens to be.
-one jar of pasta sauce, whatever flavor you dig.
THAT'S ALL YOU NEED!
This isn't rocket science people.
So here's the directions for this meal, one by one.
1. Get a pot.
2. Fill the pot 2/3 of the way with water.....still with me?
3. Put the pot over the burner on the stove. The stove should be on, probably high heat.
4. Bring the water to a boil. Salt may speed up this process, but just a little.
Does your head hurt yet?
5. Once the water is boiling, put in the pasta and cook until it sticks to the wall (Guys will love tossing hot carbs at the wall).
6. In the meantime, in a saucepan (look it up), heat the sauce, low heat will suffice.
7. Once the pasta is sticking the wall, drain it in the sink, preferably in a colander or strainer, not just directly into the sink.
8. Serve the pasta/sauce in a bowl. Or plate. Or whatever you eat food off of.
Making this simple meal for a girl will guarantee you at least a little makeout time. The fancier the better though.
Ask my buddy Dave, when he makes Chicken Cordon Bleu, it slays the female species.
-And that kids, is a Haastile lesson in cooking.
"What is one essential skill that every man should have?"
Some would say the ability to sew. Others (probably all female) would probably demand that this fictional man have the ability to service a woman orally.
Personally, I can do both, so I ain't worrying.
Back to the task at hand, and the answer was right in front of me, literally.
I looked down to realize that I was chopping an onion in order to facilitate the making of a Philly cheesesteak (Postscript: It was delicious).
At that moment, it hit me. Every man should be able to cook a real meal.
I'm not talking about grilling either, as most of my friends will tell me that they can "cook" because they can slap a piece of meat on a searing hot surface and burn it to perfection.
Anyone can do that.
And anyone can microwave some pizza rolls.
No, I'm talking about going to the store, buying the raw ingredients, and preparing a real, home cooked meal.
This my friends (and I'm talking to 99% of my college comrades here) will necessitate more than one pot or pan more than likely.
So pay attention here guys, I'm gonna give you a real easy meal, and hopefully, you won't end up burning the house down.
Go to the store and purchase the following:
-one box of whatever your favorite pasta happens to be.
-one jar of pasta sauce, whatever flavor you dig.
THAT'S ALL YOU NEED!
This isn't rocket science people.
So here's the directions for this meal, one by one.
1. Get a pot.
2. Fill the pot 2/3 of the way with water.....still with me?
3. Put the pot over the burner on the stove. The stove should be on, probably high heat.
4. Bring the water to a boil. Salt may speed up this process, but just a little.
Does your head hurt yet?
5. Once the water is boiling, put in the pasta and cook until it sticks to the wall (Guys will love tossing hot carbs at the wall).
6. In the meantime, in a saucepan (look it up), heat the sauce, low heat will suffice.
7. Once the pasta is sticking the wall, drain it in the sink, preferably in a colander or strainer, not just directly into the sink.
8. Serve the pasta/sauce in a bowl. Or plate. Or whatever you eat food off of.
Making this simple meal for a girl will guarantee you at least a little makeout time. The fancier the better though.
Ask my buddy Dave, when he makes Chicken Cordon Bleu, it slays the female species.
-And that kids, is a Haastile lesson in cooking.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Here's to Creepy Friends
For someone who has a limited tolerance for bullshit, I certainly have made a life of having strange friends.
And right now, I'm less than occupied, so let's run through a few, shall we.
(Note: I will be changing their names. Badly.)
1. Peebo: 24 years young. Mr. Drew Peebo is perhaps the creepiest human ever born on Earth. This is the guy who once asked a girl out by asking her if she wanted to "party like a rock star."
-The same guy, who in the heat of the moment, pointed out that his hand, perched upon a girl's thigh, was "dangerously close to her vagina."
-The same guy who, huddled in the corner of the aptly named FunZone, once told a small group of people that he was exhibiting signs of both herpes and HIV (thankfully, he has neither).
- Oh, and he has a blowout like a teenage guido. Only he's a goofy Jewish guy.
2. Tipp: Age 26. Andy Tipp's only kiss from a girl came when I insisted that a former girlfriend of mine give him a kiss goodbye as we were leaving the mall. What occured next was somewhere in between a train wreck and a tsunami. Anyone who witnessed it, which consisted of me and three old men (One of whom was heard to say "Oh sweet Jesus!"), will be forever changed.
-this is the same guy who chased his prom date up her front walkway in pursuit of a kiss, only to have the door slammed in his face. Rather than give up, because the girl clearly wanted him, he continued to court (stalk) her, even bringing her a tub of aloe vera gel when she told him that she had a sunburn.
Oh, did I mention that this happened at 3 a.m., while he was wearing a bathing suit and insisting that they go to the beach.
No? Well it did.
3. Matt Boogler, 26 years on Earth.
-other than stripping in front of me and diving into the ocean at 5 a.m. on prom night, Matt's had a relatively tame life....until recently.
- as a graduate assistant at an Ivy League university, Matt gets all the top notch gals. Not. His first sexual experience was characterized as "rolling around naked a bit."
- his current girlfriend is a 17 year old high school senior. I'm not going on.
Could I embarass more of my friends? Yes
Do I want to? Yes.
But there's days worth of material there, so y'all will just have to wait.
And right now, I'm less than occupied, so let's run through a few, shall we.
(Note: I will be changing their names. Badly.)
1. Peebo: 24 years young. Mr. Drew Peebo is perhaps the creepiest human ever born on Earth. This is the guy who once asked a girl out by asking her if she wanted to "party like a rock star."
-The same guy, who in the heat of the moment, pointed out that his hand, perched upon a girl's thigh, was "dangerously close to her vagina."
-The same guy who, huddled in the corner of the aptly named FunZone, once told a small group of people that he was exhibiting signs of both herpes and HIV (thankfully, he has neither).
- Oh, and he has a blowout like a teenage guido. Only he's a goofy Jewish guy.
2. Tipp: Age 26. Andy Tipp's only kiss from a girl came when I insisted that a former girlfriend of mine give him a kiss goodbye as we were leaving the mall. What occured next was somewhere in between a train wreck and a tsunami. Anyone who witnessed it, which consisted of me and three old men (One of whom was heard to say "Oh sweet Jesus!"), will be forever changed.
-this is the same guy who chased his prom date up her front walkway in pursuit of a kiss, only to have the door slammed in his face. Rather than give up, because the girl clearly wanted him, he continued to court (stalk) her, even bringing her a tub of aloe vera gel when she told him that she had a sunburn.
Oh, did I mention that this happened at 3 a.m., while he was wearing a bathing suit and insisting that they go to the beach.
No? Well it did.
3. Matt Boogler, 26 years on Earth.
-other than stripping in front of me and diving into the ocean at 5 a.m. on prom night, Matt's had a relatively tame life....until recently.
- as a graduate assistant at an Ivy League university, Matt gets all the top notch gals. Not. His first sexual experience was characterized as "rolling around naked a bit."
- his current girlfriend is a 17 year old high school senior. I'm not going on.
Could I embarass more of my friends? Yes
Do I want to? Yes.
But there's days worth of material there, so y'all will just have to wait.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Perfection
When a guy can find a woman that will watch whatever his guilty pleasure television show is, he's found the one.
That is one of my only firmly-held beliefs.
Pro wrestling, Family Guy, stag films, etc. They're all a woman's kryptonite.
So if your gal is sitting there, enduring an entire episode of whatever you're watching, especially on a regular basis, run, DO NOT WALK, to the nearest jeweler, and purchase a big, sparkly ring.
Then, place it on your lady's finger.
You're now married.
Well, kind of.
But you're happy. And sometimes, that's all that matters.
That is one of my only firmly-held beliefs.
Pro wrestling, Family Guy, stag films, etc. They're all a woman's kryptonite.
So if your gal is sitting there, enduring an entire episode of whatever you're watching, especially on a regular basis, run, DO NOT WALK, to the nearest jeweler, and purchase a big, sparkly ring.
Then, place it on your lady's finger.
You're now married.
Well, kind of.
But you're happy. And sometimes, that's all that matters.
It's ours, let's keep it.
Ok, so here it is; I am a red-blooded American male, and a sports fanatic.
There may very well be a support group devoted to people like me.
However kids, my opinion matters just a bit more than the average person, because I've actually been paid to write about the world of sports, and tossing humility aside, I am damn good at it.
So here's what's eating me today; people, or more importantly, men in America complaining about the game of baseball.
I'm sure that there's a lot of other things that someone could sit and bitch about when it comes to the game, but these are the top three:
1. The games take too long.
-this is not McDonald's, it's not supposed to be fast. If you want a quick game, go play air hockey. Baseball is athletics at it's finest form (leave your steroid comments at the door, I'll get to that in a minute). A pitcher versus a batter. Man versus man.
These showdowns take time, so suck it up.
2. There's nothing here for women.
Since when don't women enjoy baseball? Former hottest woman on Earth Alyssa Milano does commercials for fantasy baseball, so doesn't that automatically mean that women like it?
No?
Oh, ok. Disregard that then.
3. All the players are on steroids.
- So are all the players in the NFL, NHL, NBA and professional wakeboarding.
Bottom line, I can sit here and complain about Barry Bonds or whoever hitting a bunch of homers and then claiming to have done it completely clean.
Bonds, your head is the size of a large pumpkin...it wasn't that way ten years ago. You can build muscle, but not in your cerebellum.
However, what's the point? Steroids equal big numbers on the field, which leads to big numbers off the field.
Are steroids the answer to lagging attendance and revenue numbers? You never know.
That being said, do I condone the use of steroids in professional sports? No.
But as the old adage goes, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
So if asses start to fill the seats, whether it's at the ballpark or on the sofa, I'll keep my mouth shut about it.
There may very well be a support group devoted to people like me.
However kids, my opinion matters just a bit more than the average person, because I've actually been paid to write about the world of sports, and tossing humility aside, I am damn good at it.
So here's what's eating me today; people, or more importantly, men in America complaining about the game of baseball.
I'm sure that there's a lot of other things that someone could sit and bitch about when it comes to the game, but these are the top three:
1. The games take too long.
-this is not McDonald's, it's not supposed to be fast. If you want a quick game, go play air hockey. Baseball is athletics at it's finest form (leave your steroid comments at the door, I'll get to that in a minute). A pitcher versus a batter. Man versus man.
These showdowns take time, so suck it up.
2. There's nothing here for women.
Since when don't women enjoy baseball? Former hottest woman on Earth Alyssa Milano does commercials for fantasy baseball, so doesn't that automatically mean that women like it?
No?
Oh, ok. Disregard that then.
3. All the players are on steroids.
- So are all the players in the NFL, NHL, NBA and professional wakeboarding.
Bottom line, I can sit here and complain about Barry Bonds or whoever hitting a bunch of homers and then claiming to have done it completely clean.
Bonds, your head is the size of a large pumpkin...it wasn't that way ten years ago. You can build muscle, but not in your cerebellum.
However, what's the point? Steroids equal big numbers on the field, which leads to big numbers off the field.
Are steroids the answer to lagging attendance and revenue numbers? You never know.
That being said, do I condone the use of steroids in professional sports? No.
But as the old adage goes, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
So if asses start to fill the seats, whether it's at the ballpark or on the sofa, I'll keep my mouth shut about it.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Texts before 10 a.m.
Early morning texts piss me off.
There you are, fighting Mike Tyson in his prime (and you still have both ears), or you're just about to nail that dream girl, and BEEP-BEEP-BEEP, someone decides to shatter that fantasy world with an inane text about their drunken antics of the previous night (who cares about that random bar skank you fanned on), or stupid plans for later (Us planning out an event taking place three days from now can wait a few more hours).
If I wasn't so tired, I'd reach through the phone and smack you.
However, the text this morning contained good subject matter, so I'm gonna look the other way on this one.
There you are, fighting Mike Tyson in his prime (and you still have both ears), or you're just about to nail that dream girl, and BEEP-BEEP-BEEP, someone decides to shatter that fantasy world with an inane text about their drunken antics of the previous night (who cares about that random bar skank you fanned on), or stupid plans for later (Us planning out an event taking place three days from now can wait a few more hours).
If I wasn't so tired, I'd reach through the phone and smack you.
However, the text this morning contained good subject matter, so I'm gonna look the other way on this one.
Late Night Hijinx
You know, there was a time where my late nights might have been spent having sex, or maybe causing chaos with the boys.
Tonight however, I'm sitting here with one eye on the tv, watching Caddyshack, and the other eye on my keyboard, typing lines from the film to my buddy Dave (coincidentally, one of the greatest bloggers out there), who is typing them right back.
Are we losers?
No, in fact, this activity is so badass, that it doesn't even have a name.
It's nameless.
Tonight however, I'm sitting here with one eye on the tv, watching Caddyshack, and the other eye on my keyboard, typing lines from the film to my buddy Dave (coincidentally, one of the greatest bloggers out there), who is typing them right back.
Are we losers?
No, in fact, this activity is so badass, that it doesn't even have a name.
It's nameless.
What is Haastility?
What does it mean to be hostile?
Dictionary.com defines it like this:
However, being "Haastile" is a completely different ideology.
In order to attain true Haastility, an individual must display at least three of the five characteristics, set forth by the ancient Haastile Charter.
Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Say whatever is on your mind. You may hurt some feelings, but people will always say that you speak your mind and are truthful.
2. Carry yourself well. Don't act like an asshole, but never seem timid either. This is far easier said than done.
3. Know a little about a lot. Pulling random facts out of thin air seems silly, but in the long run, it's just impressive.
4. Be the man. The go-to guy (or girl...no sexists here). People want to hear your opinion on things, mainly because it's either insightful or funny.
5. Be Bryan Haas.
The main thing to remember here kids is this; anything is Haas-able.
Dictionary.com defines it like this:
–adjective
–noun | 1. | of, pertaining to, or characteristic of an enemy: a hostile nation. |
| 2. | opposed in feeling, action, or character; antagonistic: hostile criticism. |
| 3. | characterized by antagonism. |
| 4. | not friendly, warm, or generous; not hospitable. |
| 5. | a person or thing that is antagonistic or unfriendly. |
| 6. | Military. an enemy soldier, plane, ship, etc. |
However, being "Haastile" is a completely different ideology.
In order to attain true Haastility, an individual must display at least three of the five characteristics, set forth by the ancient Haastile Charter.
Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Say whatever is on your mind. You may hurt some feelings, but people will always say that you speak your mind and are truthful.
2. Carry yourself well. Don't act like an asshole, but never seem timid either. This is far easier said than done.
3. Know a little about a lot. Pulling random facts out of thin air seems silly, but in the long run, it's just impressive.
4. Be the man. The go-to guy (or girl...no sexists here). People want to hear your opinion on things, mainly because it's either insightful or funny.
5. Be Bryan Haas.
The main thing to remember here kids is this; anything is Haas-able.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)