On Life Lessons

As a young boy, I don't recall ever learning any real life lessons. I kind of came to most conclusions on my own.

I wasn't an impoverished child, didn't want for anything. I wasn't abused, nor did I ever want for attention. I just never really was ingrained with any of the life lessons that kids get.

Not even the "If you touch a hot stove, you WILL burn yourself" chestnut.

I never went to church or anything back then (and this was years before my religious epiphany), so I never knew the Ten Commandments. Not murdering someone just seemed like common sense.

But coveting thy neighbor's wife? Hell, what if she's a hottie?

I never got the "birds and the bees" talk from my parents. In fact, they never said anything at all about sex.

Actually, that's not true. When my dad and I were at the park flying a kite when I was nine, and I came across a used condom, my father simply said, "Oh that's where the spermies go."

As if I knew were "spermies" were then. I'm still not entirely sure what the hell they are now.

But all in all, I think I turned out all right. I haven't burned myself badly on anything.

I haven't killed anyone, so as Bill Murray would say, "I've got that going for me."

As for those latex sheaths and their vaunted catching skills? Well I'll remain mum on that.

Problems with that?